I have never been on the fence about reproducing. I've always known I wanted kids. I didn't always know if it was possible to have them biologically, and I believe that adoption is as miraculous a way to become a parent as the traditional route, so adoption remained a possibility. But the desire to have children to commit to and raise has always existed for me. I'm pretty traditional in this sense.
However, this was all theoretical for most of my life; I never actually wanted a baby now. Even when Josh and I got married at 23, we decided that we would wait four or five years to even begin thinking about kids. We both felt a pull to graduate school, to establish ourselves financially, and to get started in our careers. Our plan for the future was far from clear, but children were not an immediate goal.
But then, our marriage brought us closer together than I ever thought possible. I fell in love with my husband in new ways each day, week, month. I saw all of his faces in their full glory: the giddy, the sullen, the pouty, the hungry. I grew in my respect for him despite seeing his many flaws.
Over time this deep feeling of love for him started manifesting itself in a strange way; I wanted to create more of him, duplicate him in a sense. I didn't just want a baby in the future; I wanted his baby. In all honesty, my baby fever started not by seeing other people's babies, hip strollers, or the joys of parenting (ha). My baby fever grew out of my love for my husband.
The depth and breadth of this reality does not escape me. In having children with him, I am bestowing on him the greatest, most childlike compliment I can give: “More please.” I want more of Josh to love; I want to watch more of him grow; I want to see more of him refined into gold. I ironically feel the deep desire to duplicate him most when he is being childlike himself—sleeping, laughing, crying, playing. In short, I think his DNA should be passed on for the sake of the world. I really, really do.
Now I'm aware that our son will not be a Little Josh. I've already written about that, and I get it. In reality, our son will probably be a little bit like him, a little bit like me, and a little bit confusing . But if it turns out that our son looks, sounds, thinks, and acts like my amazing husband, I would not mind in the slightest.
So that is one reason biological reproduction is happening in our home: I want the world to have more people like my husband. It probably sounds silly and selfish and remarkably unspiritual, but it's true.